


all that you can save will leave you in the morning

by thessalami



Series: when you're gone [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Dead Alec, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, again idk why im writing this i just had a Thought and then i tweeted it, and then everyone was yelling at me not to do this so obviously i, dealing with grief, did it, magnus tells Her how alec died, my dudes this is gonna be sad as fuck so umm, shes still nameless give the poor woman a name thess, su pectrum blocked me for this whole entire concept, tw: suicide attempt and self injury vaguely mentioned, why do i keep contributing to that tag whats wrong w me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 04:27:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9640760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thessalami/pseuds/thessalami
Summary: "We talked about adopting a kid, the night before he died."





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [everyone who blocked me for part one](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=everyone+who+blocked+me+for+part+one).



> the title is from in your veins by andrew belle which is the absolute worst song to listen to while thinking abt ur otp so dont do it  
> also this is a final warning ok reading is at ur own risk

"We talked about adopting a kid, the night before he died."

She looks up from her book, confusion visible in her eyes for just a few seconds before it clicks. "You and Alec."

Magnus nods. "It was two nights before he died, actually," he corrects himself, and clears his throat. "One night before he started dying."

"I thought he died of old age?" she asks gently. She closes her book and puts it on the nightstand before rolling onto her side. "I thought that was the reason you don't date mortals anymore."

Magnus turns his head, cheek falling onto the pillow, and amusedly raises an eyebrow at her. "I'm dating you, am I not?"

She stares at him for a few seconds before they both burst into laughing. "Oh my God, I totally forgot for a second."

Magnus shakes his head at her fondly, before looking up at the ceiling again. "What I _said_ was that he was my last _Shadowhunter_."

"Hm. He died in battle, then?"

Magnus purses his lips for a moment. "Not in one, exactly, but because of it, yes."

He feels her shift on the bed, and he looks at her again as she lets her eyes roam over his face, studying every inch of it.

"You were there, weren't you?" she asks softly.

Magnus lets out a huff. "Not when he got hurt, no. I only got there after his sister called me." He swallows thickly, looking away from her. "If I'd been there sooner... If I'd been there right when he got hurt, he would've lived."

"It's not your fault." 

Magnus isn't sure if his exhale is a sigh or a humorless chuckle, or both. "I know. Believe me, he spent his last few conscious minutes making me promise not to blame myself."

She hums. "Did you ever?"

"Oh, of course. And _him_. And his siblings. Every single person that could've called me sooner. And every single person that couldn't have. It wasn't fair, I know that, but..."

"But sometimes anger is easier than sorrow?"

Magnus nods, smiling sadly. "It always is."

She doesn't say anything then, and Magnus doesn't look at her, but he knows she understands. She always does.

"Would you still want kids, one day?" she asks after a while. Not in _that_ way, not indicating anything. Nothing more than curiosity. There's no unspoken "with me?" like there was when Alec asked him the same thing once. 

"No," Magnus answers, voice soft and hoarse suddenly. He clears his throat and blinks a few times. "I mean, I have the young Downworlders I take under my wing, but I... I don't think I could-"  
He takes a deep breath and tries to bite out a smile as he feels her take his hand in hers, squeezing it encouragingly. "I don't think I can do that without him." He hears his own voice break and a sob leaves his lips before he can stop it.  
"Sorry I'm still-"

"Don't," she whispers. "He meant everything to you."

Magnus scoffs. "It's been thirty years."

"Exactly," she says as she squeezes his hand. " _Only_ thirty. You've got plenty of years left to heal. Like, infinity years."

Magnus swallows and looks away.

"What?" she prompts gently.

"That's what I'm afraid of."

"The years or the healing?"

"Both," he whispers, barely loud enough for her to hear.

But she does.   
She squeezes his hand again, offering him a sad smile when he glances at her. "I remember - after my mom died... I remember how scared I was of healing. I was scared it'd make me forget the sound of her voice, and her smile, and the smell of the food she used to cook..."

Magnus just nods, swallowing the words lingering in his throat. How he got so angry the first time he couldn't recall the exact color of Alec's eyes that he almost burned down his apartment, and himself with it. 

"I remember how mad I got at myself one morning, when I realized I hadn't cried myself to sleep the night before. I punched a hole in the wall. Without werewolf strength."

Magnus lets out a sad chuckle. "Yeah."

She shifts again, sitting up a little to make Magnus look her in the eyes. "That's not what healing is, though. Healing doesn't mean forgetting about them. It doesn't mean getting over it and never being sad anymore." She shrugs and lets out a laugh as she blinks some tears away. "It _means_ not getting mad at yourself for forgetting, sometimes. And other times it means not beating yourself up for still crying over them."

Magnus looks up at her, studying her face in silence for a while.  
"You'd think I'd be teaching you this, not the other way around."

"Are you saying I'm wiser than you?"

Magnus laughs. "I don't recall saying  _that_."

"I am, though."

"I'm five centuries older than you."

"That makes it even better."

"Sure, Love."

**Author's Note:**

> tell me @ which line the first tears started falling i love knowing what caused u pain thanks?? also listen: u can yell at me on twitter @hetphobicalec or using #thessalami


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